Let's Talk:

Let’s Talk: Friendship

I feel that when we’re young we use the word friend and best friend so loosely but when we start growing up we hold more value to these titles. I definitely do not call every person my friend, but the ones I do, I have known for years. The ladies that surround me are amazing people that keep me in check. I have gone through ups and downs with all of them but now we always make sure to talk through it ( wasn’t always the case). I hold friendships very close to my heart because of what I have gone through.

There are three friendships that have affected me, in a way where it has changed who I let in and how I let them in, who I call my friend, and who I can trust. And if I’m honest it has also changed how I deal with certain situations. Those friendships also gave me the knowledge to set boundaries.

In high school I had a “best friend” betray me in the worst way and it affected me deeply. I took a long time to heal from it because it was dragged out. I never thought that someone so close to me could even think about doing what she did. From that, I built up a very high wall to protect myself and my emotions. Through that situation, I have learned how to truly listen to my intuition and to never put anything past anyone. Even though I stopped talking to her I was still hurting and had to heal from that, which took a long time. We ended up not talking for a bit but then I felt bad for some reason so, we started talking again.  I dont even know how this feeling came up because I was made to look like boo boo the fool but yet I felt bad for her. After summer she didn’t come back to school and all communication stopped.

Recently we have been in contact with each other and it’s different. What I mean is that there’s no anger, resentment or any ill feelings anymore. I forgave her but I did not forget. I’m not going to hold someone accountable for who they used to be (especially from high school where we’re all still growing up and learning who we are), until you give me a reason too. From what I can see she turned out to be a wonderful young lady who is passionate about what she does and I can support that.

My cousin and I have a very close relationship. We have been “best friends” since high school and have always been so close that our family even called us twins. We went to the same high school and the same university. We had a huge fall out and didn’t speak for over a year. The fall out happened over an argument about Rihanna’s concert (I know childish right?) but it became a bigger argument about not being loyal to each other. This whole fight was through text and we just cut each other off. I mean I blocked her on every social media. It was really hard because she was my best friend at the time and we were so close . But if you knew me back then I never showed my emotions and acted like everything was cool. Oh and I hated to admit that I was in the wrong or to apologize. Close to my graduation, I built up the courage to ask her to have a sit down and talk everything through. It had been a year, so we were both in a space to talk and clear the air. Although we both came with the same stank attitude, we realized it was very stupid for us to have stopped talking. I’m grateful that our fight was not taken to level of no turn with name calling, hitting below the belt or trying to hurt each other.

It was more of both of us feeling entitled to a certain type of treatment, the competitiveness between us and selfishness of taking each other for granted that had to be fully broken down, for us to start over. But we both learned so much from this that it was a blessing in disguise. It was just that we were always together and we were both at an age of figuring out who we were as individuals. Even though our friendship was rocky for awhile and we had to get to know each other again (we had arguments but we learned how to handle it and how to talk to each other). I think  this year we have been able to truly reconnect and work on our  friendship.

My third year in university I met a girl and we bonded over a situation. We were literally inseparable since that day. I’ve had some of my craziest, most difficult and happiest moments with her. We grew from friends to becoming like family and even having our families mesh together. She became my “best friend” which quickly turned into my soul sister.

Words and communication are very important and that is what I learned from this friendship. I have been friends with her for almost 7 years. We called each other best friends, “souls sister” and even talked about future aspirations together. But one big argument can change everything when you leave things unsaid, bring back up old arguments, and when you speak out of anger. I’m a person who chooses her words carefully in arguments which mostly means I won’t say anything unless you’ve pushed me over the top. So words, at times, mean more than actions to me. With this friendship things were said that cut so deep that I don’t think even apologizing would help. It was to the point where I had to remove myself from the situation and think everything through.

Now I know I’m not perfect but when someone that’s supposed to be like family says, “I’m tired of always defending you” or speaks to you in such a disrespectful way on more than one occasion, for me all respect is lost. It was fights after fights  with mistakes on both ends and something had to give eventually. That one argument stopped all forms of communication without any explanation.  I decided to pull away for a few days and write everything that I wanted to say/felt in a letter and send it to her and even wanting to discuss everything in person. At the time it was best for me to write everything I felt at that point and just get it off my chest. I have decided to close that chapter and leave it in Gods hands and move on. Was it hard? Of course! Especially when family is involved. Our families were intertwined and it has all stopped. But someone told me “You do not need “Kelly” for anything in your life but friendship and that shouldn’t come by force or begging”. I’m not going to chase someone down when it’s not reciprocated. Also, no response is a response!!

Now I’m not saying I’m perfect and I’m the “best friend” anyone can have. Definitely not!!!  I’m a working progress as is everyone else on this earth. I have my flaws and I have areas that I’m still working on and improving. All these friendships have taught me something and I’m grateful for all the joy and pain they brought to my life. I do cherish these friendships because they have taught  me something different , have shaped my character and helped improve myself as friend, daughter, sister and better woman. I have a lot of amazing memories that involve these ladies so they will always be part of me. There’s season for everything and some of those seasons have ended.

My advice about friendship is to hold on to your friends that are there for you no matter what. The ones that stay with you through mood swings, lows, ups and bad times those are the friends you want to stick around. Someone that doesn’t kick you when your already down but someone that will elevate you when you don’t believe in yourself. I honestly believe breaking up a friendship is as hard as relationship break up and sometimes even worse. I mean you go through some of the same emotions and actions after. You want to get back at them somehow or block them on every social media or run into them looking fly as ever. But the best thing to do is just move on, let time heal you and leave the situation in God’s hand. I had to remind myself that and unblock the recent one because blocking them does not change anything. Plus, it takes more time and waste of energy into holding a grudge instead I’ll just take energy to focus on myself and what I do have. I will leave you all with one of my favorite quotes when i comes to any type of relationship, “Fruitful relationships aren’t perfect. It’s the outcome when people can see past flaws and connect with truth.” (Stephanie Ike)

Sidenote: All these Quotes I have used the author is unknown as I found them on Instagram.

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